Okay, last one… one of my favorites… It’s call Art of War, War is my three eyed alien refugee trying to make it in this world with the help of his best friend and sponsor Joy. Meet War Ick Peace and Joy! *g* On, its rated R to be on the safe side and funny as hell! LOL
The Art of War
“I am through with men! I want you to shave a big honking sign on in my pubic hair that says tongue only!”
“You shave,” War pointed out, never looking up from the magazine he was silently perusing while his favorite human being had yet another breakdown. “You made a point of brining that fact to my attention when you were explaining human sexual practices, yes?”
“Then tattoo it on my butt for all I care! Just get it done!” Joy threw her arms up into the air; disgust plane on her face as she stomped about the large well lit room. “I don’t want to even look at something else with a dick one hand and a mouthful of lies pouring from its mouth.”
“I—um, I have a dick,” War pointed out, lazily turning pages. He sighed and leaned down on his desk, elbows braced, doing his best to pay attention to the article he was reading. Maybe, tattooing with precious metals would be possible using the marking techniques his people used for warrior rites….
“Yes,” Joy stopped pacing long enough to point out, “but you don’t count!”
With one last indignant stare, she stomped off towards the back room. Her voice was muffled but was clear enough for War to make out the words she shouted back to him. “You are like my best girlfriend and a big brother all rolled into one. And where I come from, you absolutely, positively, don’t screw around with family.”
“I see,” War sighed and shifted positions, leaning heavier on his right arm as he turned the pages of the magazine, paying her words minimal attention.
“I don’t know how it is where you come from on Diaagoba…”
“Gigaphomalpha, yes?” he absently corrected.
“Gagmealpha,” she called back, “But where I come from, you just don’t do your best girlfriend or your brother.”
“What are you babbling on about?” War finally looked up. He raised one black eyebrow, his emerald green eyes shining in the dim light of the room as he finally took a good look at his business partner.
The Joy who emerged from the back room was panting, her greenish-hazel eyes dull a she stared balefully up at him.
Today, her short hair was left in a natural riot of curls that exploded around her head, held back with a multi colored headband done all in pastels.
Her full figure was poured into a pair of aged denim jeans that emphasized the roundness of her hips and bottom while showcasing her long legs. As usual, she was sporting a t-shirt that bore the name of their unusual business, Art of War, in bold black letters that stood out against her full breasts. On her feet were her tall high motorcycle boots, showing her most recent mode of transportation for this week. The pale brown skin of her face and arms was flushed, showing both agitation with her current situation, and elation the wild ride she no doubt had getting in to work today. Her arms were crossed in agitation and her foot tapped impatiently as she glared at him.
“I am talking about the male of the species, War-Ick Peace! I am talking about those who possess an x and y chromosome. I am talking about the testicle swinging, penis wielding, forked tongued speaking men!”
“My tongue is forked,” War felt the need to point out. “And I do possess a penis, thought not the x-y chromosome, yes?”
“I said you were a brother and a best friend, War!” Joy all but whined, stomping her foot in irritation. “You don’t count!”
“Should I be insulted or relieved?” he mused as he sat back in his chair, rolling his green eyes at Joy. His blue one remained closed.
Grumbling, Joy stalked over to War’s chair and gave the floating thing a nudge with her hip.
“Be grateful,” she snorted, smiling as his blue eye opened and looked up at her form where it was comfortably situated on his forehead. “You don’t fall into the category of stupid male.”
“So I take it your date did not go well?” he asked, closing his third eye, the other two focusing in on him as he settled back in his char, a small smile pulling at his full lips.
“Understatement of the year,” Joy pulled out a chair and slumped down in it, pouting a little as she stared at her friend, “I didn’t think asses could exist without the benefit of a human body, but this guy was all walking ass. Probably why he used that strong cologne; trying to hide the shit smell.”
War grinned at that description, as he waited for his friend’s tirade to continue.
When she remained silent and brooding, he prodded her a little, poking at her with a long pale finger to the arm. “Are you going to tell me what this is about, yes? As a best fried/brother, I believe I am supposed to listen to you complain, then go and beat the guy who upset you into a bloody smear on the ground, no?”
Joy responded by sticking her tongue at him, which was a gesture he returned, wiggling both sides of his fork independently, making her smile before she swatted the air in his direction.
“Stop that! I’ll tell you as long as you stop making those obscene gestures.”
War smiled, knowing he was able to help ease her tension a little.
“So, tell me what happened.”
“I told you about my date with Simon,” she began.
“Yes, Simon the computer technologist who owned his own business, lived alone and not with his mother, and had not one but two degrees in computer engineering and business administration, yes?”
“Yes,” she crossed her arm and narrowed her eyes. “That’s the one. Simon Prentic, educated small business owner and all around prick.”
“What did he do?”
“Well,” Joy growled, “He forgot to mention one little thing when we decided to go on a date.”
“And that would be?”
“His wife and three kids. All of whom I got to meet when we stopped off at Freezy Bites for ice-cream after the movie.”
“No!” War gasped, all three eyes opening wide before narrowing in anger. “Why would he do such a thing?”
“To get a piece of ass!” Joy wield, throwing her arms up in the air. “Add getting ass! That is so wrong” she shook her head, face twisted in anger. “And those poor kids. His wife entered as we were sharing a dentist special, you know the ones with gummy bears, strawberries, pineapple, chocolate, coconut, and caramel on top?”
War nodded, face-growing solemn.
“Yeah, well we were down to the caramel sauce and feeding each other bites when his daughter runs over, she had to be o more than seven, War, and she asks why he was eating ice cream instead of out of town on business. So then his wife walks up with a one year old twin on each hip.”
“This was not good of him,” War shook his head sadly, reaching out to tug Joy close to his body, wrapping a brotherly arm around her.
“Well, of course his wife was not happy. I think she slapped him so hard that his back teeth fell out.” Joy smiled a little at that, though the smile did not last. “Then she turned to me and called me a man stealing whore.”
Joy shuddered but continued as she cuddled closer to War. “I jumped up and all I could say was that I didn’t know. She must have believed me because she just turned to Simon and slapped him again. Then he got up like he was going to hit her or something.”
“What happened?” War urged, feeling her body tighten up at the memories of the past night.
“I decked him in the jaw,” Joy smiled at that. “I didn’t mean to do it, it was more of a reflex than anything. But he was going to hit her while she had those babies strapped to her back. So I hit him instead…”she tailed off.
“And I knocked his ass thought the plate glass window,” she sighed.
War blinked all three eyes at her, before a grin spread across his face, showing the double set of fangs that peaked out almost daintily from his upper gums.
“I told you Gigaphomalpha marshal punching techniques wee helpful, yes?”
“And I thank you daily for the lessons,” she smiled. “And I am not going to be sued for the glass as the owner is a fan of your work. I promised him a painting, War. He’ll be in later today.”
War nodded, pleased to help out his best friend, partner, and sponsor.
“And there will be no assault charges because it was self defense. The wife and half the place gave eyewitness testimony. And the cops carried Simon away in cuffs.”
She shrank down once more and leaned into War’s shoulder, absorbing the radiant heat he seemed to throw off like some sort of alien space heater.
“I explained to the wife that I had no idea that he was married. Told her that nothing had happened thought we had been talking for a week or so before this first date. She understood but was so broken up, War. I felt so bad for her and for her kids. But she said that she was moving out to her sister’s place, that she could not sty with a man who would raise a hand towards her, especially with his kids in plain sight. So I once again, hate all men and am going to turned into a butch bull dike, shave my head, and wear lots of flannel, and find me a lipstick lesbian to tease with my whip skills.”
“Or you will dist yourself off and try again, yes?” War pointed out to her. “And you will not use those trite stereotypes, no?”
“No,” Joy sighed, pulling herself away from War’s embrace. “No I will not use trite stereotypes and no I will not dust myself off and try again. I need a dating break. I need… I need to see someone else happy first.”
She turned her head to eye War, a speculative look in her eyes.
“Joy,” War stiffened. “I do not like the look on your face, no,”
“I think you need to get out a little more, War,”
“No, Joy,” War was starting to look panicked. “I do not believe I need to explore this human thing called dating.”
“I know a lot of people who would find you very appealing,” her eyes roamed over his seated body.
“It’s the third eyes, War, it gets women hot. And all of that blue streaked black hair….”
“Joy,” War moaned.
“And the forked tongue….”
“And my floating chair, yes?” he arced the eyebrow again, his blue eyes staring challengingly at her. “People on your planet like refugee aliens who do not have proper use of their lower extremities, yes?”
“Like they would care about that,” she snorted, waving the thought away. “You are seriously fine, War! You are so pretty, you damn near look like a girl! No one will care about the limited use of your legs.”
“So you say,” he sighed, turning away from her for a moment, gathering his thoughts.
It had been a long and difficult road that left him and the three hundred injured and recalled warriors to this small blue planet.
War, as he now accepted as his new name, had been an Elite Commander, the highest rank a warrior not of royal blood could achieve.
He commanded legions of men and women, all forged from the time of their conception to be the unstoppable warriors the Legion could be proud of.
Swift of mind and strong of body, he and his elite forces had been key in the triumph of the Legion over the forces of the Goditch, the bug like people who destroyed the treaty between their two people in order to take over and command the Cama Galaxy, the place where they all hailed.