How I discoverd that I am merely human

I am 37 years old.
I am 37 years old and I know the sound the world makes when it cracks.
You see, it can start breaking at any time. I knew this, I am a cynic after all. But there is a difference between knowing and KNOWING!
It can start when you realize that your cost of living suddenly exceeds your means. I can start when you realize that even though you strive, its kind of hard to exist when everything around you is crumbling. It can start when you suddenly know that you have the responsibility of holding together a family that don;t want to be held. It can start when you realize that you are so tired, so exhausted that you suddenly envision yourself driving your car into a friggin tree at high speed and the thought is comforting.
Yeah, that’s when your world really starts to crack.
And the sound is near silence.
When there are so many things building up at once, sometimes it seems that an easy out would finally get you some peace.
I remember peace. It was…hmm….. Well, I am pretty sure I had peace at one time. Too bad I don’t remember what it felt like.
Peace seams to be a foreign concept at the moment.
When you fight and fight and fight against the currents that life seems to make extra turgid and rought just for you, you just get tired of fighting.
And believe me, I have been fighting so long that not even Mac in all its expensive make-up glory can produce a cover-up to hide all the scars.
Banking errors, over drat fees, cost of living, cost of growing kids… Life throws a wicked combination. Ass hole family members, people taking advantage of you- oh a powerful one-two! Family responsibility, back pain, swollen knees, arthritis, scoliosis, migraines, stress induced asthma attacks…Life’s got her against the ropes! The pounding is relentless.
Then your mama starts dying from a simple procedure and no one knows why, Life is going in for the kill.
What will life bring next month?
See? That tree is looking more and more attractive… by the second.
Sigh.
It would be so easy to give up and roll over.
But stupid me, it is not in my nature.
So I’ll get up, dust myself off, and argue with the idiots at the bank until my issues are settled. I’ll keep looking for that part time job, thought I am now overqualified to wait tables and the only offer I’ve gotten lately is at a strip joint. Hmm…nah, skinny small boobed chicks who are 37 would never get tips. *g* I’ll try and finish another book, I got about seven near there now, and I’ll concentrate on the new releases that are coming out. I think I’ll maybe go and hide under he comforter, like i am doing as I type this, and maybe sniffle a moment or two, before I try and get the kids ready for Otakon this weekend (I’ll be working the dealers room again) and hide the need to cry and scream and throw a temper tantrum because I’d have more to clean up after. I’ll have a mental-tantrum instead and just picture….driving into that damn tree! LOL
I’ll suck it all in and go see Mom and try not to cry as she gets befuddled and confused cause half her blood is gone and no one knows where it went or how its going, and then I’ll come back here and sew, and clean, and paint on the walls cause that used to make me happy.
And I guess I’ll survive.
I’m 37 years old and I know  the sound of my world cracking.
I’m 37 years old and I know it could be worse, but I don;t really care cause my world is cracking.
I’m 37 years old and I realize that just cause my world is cracked doesn’t mean that its broken.
I’m 37 years old and today I realized I couldn’t bounce or smile…not today. Maybe tomorrow.
I’m 37 years old, and I discovered that I am only human after all.

Flash, who avoided that damn tree one more time. Life has to try again another day. This round just came to an end.

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3 thoughts on “How I discoverd that I am merely human

  1. Jennifer says:

    I am 38 and today would have been my Mommy’s 61st birthday and it I understand about all about those cracks… and how those trees look real good… and about how you keep on going. Keep on going because as my Mommy would have said to me… we need all the strong ones we can get, because we keep the weak ones going even when we think that we can’t keep going ourselves. Happy late birthday sweetie and ignore the trees, this crazy world needs you.

  2. Sojourner says:

    Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    My mom and I both have this on a magnet on our fridge. Mostly I just think at the end of the day I deep down believe life is just to damn precious to stop fighting for. I hope ur able to find that spot mentioned in Baily’s cafe, at the end of the world where time stops. Because as they state in the book the world can be a scary place without it. Your books have apon occasion when I’ve heard the silence of my world cracking given me that refuge.

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